burnout

Apparently there is something called Burnout and I recently listened to two podcasts that perfectly described what I've been feeling for the past year or so and honestly, that made me realize so much that I literally feel lighter.

Burnout, from what I got from it, is that feeling when you think that what you're doing isn't enough and you keep working and working and working and feeling like shit for still thinking it wasn't enough and in reality it's that you've been working too much, not really taking time to yourself or to realize how bad that was being to you.

And I think my brain finally got it.

I was a ticking time bomb. I couldn't stop thinking about work and when I was at work, I couldn't stop thinking that I wasn't doing my job properly and if I left on time, I would wonder if people or my boss (who lives in Chine, btw) would think that I was really doing a crappy job. If things were out of my control, I would blame myself for not having it on my control. I would try to solve the problems of the whole world and that was driving my crazy.

But I just got to a point that I care enough.
I try and do my best to solve what's on my hands.
I don't feel afraid for every single action that I take and try not to over think every cenário that it would lead to.

I'm still not 100%. But I'm turning my work cell phone every night.
I disconnected my work calendar from my personal phone so I don't have to look at all the meetings every time.
I'm sending emails on my time and trying to do my best, without overflowing - and if I have hours to take, I'll take them and not leave my phone on "in case of emergencies".

We're getting there.
We just have o realize it.